greetings everyone joining we will be starting in one minute thank you for your patience e greetings everyone thank you for joining us tonight with our uh City white Council for district 75's outreach program uh we will be starting this
meeting at 6:05 p.m. with that being said we are going to be talking about modeling frustration tolerance and calming techniques we have yai licensed clinical social worker
Chelsea Shephard who will be presenting to us today at this moment we do have interpretation also so so I would like to give the flooor to them to give your instructions Spanish you may begin thank you so much Mandarin you may give
your in instructions finish my announcement thank you thank you so much banga you may give your instructions this is The Interpreter QA actually we only have mandin and Spanish for this meeting thank you so very much uh I'm so used to having that third
language uh so with that being said we will now hand the floor over to miss Chelsea Shepard from yai thank you all for joining us tonight Chelsea you have the floor hi everybody it's great to be here uh my name is Chelsea Shepard
thanks for the introduction I'm The Clinical Director for Yai's New York star Region 4 Tri borrow team it's a mouthful uh I'm a licensed clinical social worker with expert expertise in
people with intellectual disabilities and mental health disorders I also work as clinical faculty on the Sunni downstate lend program um should I pause for translation
or let's let's check in how are we doing in the interpretation rooms uh you're doing good slowing down is always good so this is The Interpreter QA actually this is for simultaneous interpretation so the interpreters already are aware that you can go on for the entirety of
the meeting and they will be interpreting at the same time okay got it thank you you guys are amazing um by way of introduction start is an Evidence informed model of Crisis Prevention and
response for people with neurodevelopmental disabilities and complex behavioral needs we emphasize trauma informed care and positive psychology approaches uh and emphasize
understanding the whole person as more than just a set of symptoms or behaviors start is a national leading expert in the field of intellectual disabilities a key mission of ours is to share this knowledge set and to enhance
the capacity of the community especially parents to support people in this unique unque population and I'm very happy to be a guest with all of you tonight and to share some of start's principles and insight uh I'm gonna share my screen and
we're gonna talk today about calming techniques for the whole family all right so bear with me if I may interrupt momentarily I forgot to actually announce this meeting is being live streamed on YouTube and
will be recorded thank you [Music] all right here we go calming techniques for the whole family um you know and it's first we're kind of going to talk about why it's so important for everybody to be doing the
same thing um everyone faces hardship in their life right you know no matter how much money you do or don't have uh no matter where you come from in life nobody's life is always easy all
the time some people face more challenges than others right um hardship becomes trauma when we really can't move forward uh when we're stuck kind of
seeing our present life through the lens of something bad that happened to us um but not everybody who's experienced hardship is experien experiencing trauma
um but that doesn't mean that hardship doesn't shape our lives right we all see the world through the lens of what we've experienced and what we've learned in our own lives um and our kids learn resilience from us
resilience is the ability to kind of look at how we're feeling and recognize how our past experiences may have affected us for example uh you know I didn't grow up with very much money
myself and I wouldn't say that this was a trauma but it was really hard for me growing up not being able to buy my own clothes all my clothes or hand me downs um and you know in the grand scheme of things that's not that bad but when
you're 12 years old you want to be able to go to the mall and purchase clothes like your friends have and now that I have a daughter all I want to do is buy her too many clothes um you know and I
that's not helpful right it's just me trying to overcorrect for something that's happened to me um so it's really important for us to try to sit back and reflect as to why we do the things that we do even if you know
maybe it's a good thing um but we always want to try to do our best to be self-aware and the biggest time that this comes into place is when we are stressed out right raising a child with a disability is extremely stressful
raising any kid is stressful um but it's really hard to deal with all these medical appointments navigating the system to try to make sure that they get the right services and you know sometimes we
really need to be in a place at a time and our kids are able to do it um they might say no they might not want to get dressed they might not want to go to the appointment they may not put on their shoes they might just lay down on the floor and
scream um there's nothing more ful as a parent than seeing your child in distress um but the way that we handle those stressful moments teaches our kids how
to handle their own stressful moments we can tell them you know I need you to do this I want you to calm down but kids are sponges they're going to see what we do when we are stressed and they are going to do the
same thing so if we cope with stress by yelling and losing our temper then our kids are going to probably do the same thing and that's not to say that we should be perfect nobody's perfect and no parent is going to be
perfect but after we make mistakes we want to model um both recognizing that it was a mistake and forgiving ourselves because if our kids don't see us forgive
ourselves then they're not going to forgive themselves for having a bad day that's why you know when we talk about anybody in a family unit trying to be calm it really needs to be done by
absolutely everyone ideally some of us myself included live in multigenerational families you know as adults and as parents we can't control our own parents um we maybe can't control our partner um
but in an ideal world everybody is going to be on board supporting Stress Management in the same way I don't know if you guys grew up hearing some version of do as I say not as I
do uh but it doesn't work right you know our kids are too smart for that even if they have an intellectual disability or aut ISM they know that if we do it then they have permission to do it so we have to do our best to
demonstrate calmness and demonstrate that we can apologize when we are wrong um and I think it's really important too to remember and I should change this it's not just our kids we
are all doing the best that we can even when it doesn't seem like it right we all have bad days and our kids have bad days today might be a tough day because somebody didn't sleep well somebody has
a stomach ache or a headache something happened at school or for us something happened at work or within our day or something's been on your mind so just because yesterday we were able to to get
up and get to where we needed to be without any issues there's all these reasons why today we might not be able to and it's not because we're being defiant right just just like adults some days I have so much energy to do my
laundry get all my work done make dinner from scratch clean the dishes and some days I don't do anything and the house is a mess and I'm really tired and I try to go to bed early that's not because that day I don't care
right it's because sometimes we have the energy to do everything that we need to do and to behave the way that we need to behave and sometimes we don't and that's just that's part of life for everybody um and I'm about to review
some tools that everyone in the family can and should use when they're feeling frustrated um but I want to really emphasize that the time to practice these skills is not during a
crisis if you have a child who is upset maybe they lay down on the floor maybe they're yelling maybe they're telling you no I'm not going to do that that is not the time to introduce something like
deep breathing it's really good to do this kind of thing for a minute or two every day you could try at bedtime or at dinner time but practice makes
perfect and so you want to make sure that you're practicing so that when you're in a moment of stress when it's much harder to do things than normal right um that you already have been
practicing these skills um and we don't just want people to listen and obey right we want people to actually feel better so that is the goal of these activities is not to get
people to be obedient but it is to help our kids and our s feel better so that we are more able to do the things that we need to do so this is two otter um when otter sleep they hold on
to each other to float down the river and that is really how A family unit Works none of us can function without the other we're interconnected um so this is the most important um coping mechanism or coping
skill that exists it actually affects us physiologically so I don't know if you've noticed this when you're stressed out or you're feeling angry um but you really feel it in your body uh different
people feel you know different things to some degree maybe you feel hot maybe your heart is beating faster uh some people it actually affects their ability to breathe
properly that's because when we're angry our brain actually thinks that we're in danger when we deep breathe we are calming our bodies and teaching our brain that we are not in danger it
decreases the flow of cortisol into our brain and it physiologically soothes us I know you know when my daughter is having a tantrum I get really discombobulated if I yell at her it's
just going to make things worse so it's really important that I show her what calmness is and in turn I'm helping myself um I had a job a few years back as a therapist in a pediatrician's
office and I spent all day teaching deep breathing to the kids and I've never felt more calm in my life because I was spending all day showing other people how to deep breathe
so it was actually really beneficial not just for my patients but for me um so I highly recommend deep breathing um if you take your kids to school or have some kind of commute just
spending a couple minutes um there is it's not an exact art but there are a couple of elements of Deep breathing that are very important um you want to breathe in through your
nose take a pause and Bre breathe out through your mouth and the reason for this is we don't want to hyperventilate and get too much oxygen in our brain um so the way that I help kids especially
you know very literal thinkers or kids who need a lot of support how to do this is I bring it back to things that they already do so you're going to start out by smelling the flower hold for
two blow out the candles of a cake and if you see you know your kid is breathing in too fast see that all the time actually oh I think somebody is someone asking a question okay I think
they're muted now um if you see somebody breathing in too fast I see this a lot that's not going to help somebody calm down it might actually you know again be too much oxygen to your brain
so that's not how we smell a flow though right when we smell a flow we go and we otherwise we're not going to get the fragrance in our in our nose um and same with blowing out if you see somebody blowing too
quickly you're getting spit on the cake you know so we really have to for some people the exact number count is helpful it's an estimate you don't have to count um but the main point is that
you should breathe in you should hold very briefly we don't need anyone passing out and then blow out a little bit longer than how long you were breathing in for um so I'm going to do one more because I find it very
soothing if you practice this after dinner every day for 30 seconds to a minute that's going to set a routine of calmness for the family and again it's
not just a child who may have crises or have Tantrums it's for yourself too because again being a parent is incredibly stressful and we need to take that time to soothe ourselves so that we can help the rest of our
family um this is another one um it's the five 4 3 2 1 game this is really useful when you or your child or your friend or
your mother um is feeling stressed about something when we're feeling stressed most likely we're either really focusing on something that already happened that's upsetting us or we're thinking a
lot about something that's in the future that's scaring us or making us nervous yes we have to process our past and yes we have to plan for the future but being really
stressed and anxious doesn't help anybody it's not a practical way to get things done um so this is a good way for us to bring ourselves back to the present uh it's it's called a grounding
technique and the idea is to Anchor yourself back in your body that you're not trapped in the past or the future but you're in the present so you want to look at five things you can see it's hard to play
this game in a gray office but um you know pretty much anywhere else there's five things that you can see and you can play this out loud with your child when they're in crisis or you can even do this yourself when again maybe things
are getting out of control and they're crisis and they're not ready to do a grounding technique but you need to bring yourself back in first um so you look around the room and you can name it again out loud or if it's for yourself in your head what are
five things that you see what are four things that you can touch and that doesn't mean that you have to go around touching things that's not always appropriate um but if you're sitting in your chair you can touch your finger to your other finger
you can touch your fingers to your hair you can touch your fingers to your shirt and you can touch your fingers to your chair that's four things right there and again it can always be those same four things you just are bringing
awareness into your body and bringing yourself back into the present moment uh you want to think about three things you can hear sometimes yes that will be a child yelling um but that's okay again we're not
trying to change anything we can't change the present but we're just trying to make ourselves more in the moment um two things that you can smell and one thing you can taste I I realize that the taste one we can't
always do but um you know if you have some gum or some Altoids or some kind of you know kids um with autism sometimes do well with those uh sensory mouth toys
so that you could do as well instead of taste walking mindfully um and this is one that's more so for ourselves or for older kids but you can really do this with
anyone um the goal of walking mindfully is kind of to combine those first to coping techniques we want to bring ourselves back into the moment um going for a walk is really good for you in
general um but the danger of going for a walk is sometimes it gives us an opportunity to think too much about all the things that are worrying us um so that kind of negates the benefits of getting the physical
exercise so when we walk mindfully we're actually controlling our thoughts a little bit um so you can actually play the 54321 game on a
walk um but otherwise you know what you want to do is you want to go for a walk and be really aware of the elements and how they are impacting your body how does it feel when you take each step how
does it feel on your foot how does it feel on your leg be really aware are your arms swinging back and forth is it hot out or cold out take a moment to think about you know how does
the air feel on your skin is it windy is it drizzling it's been really hot out are you sweating uh and then what do you see ideally you know you would do
this maybe near a park or you know there's some really nice Parks throughout the city uh you know somewhere where you can look and see just a little bit of nature I know it can be tough um but what are you seeing are you
seeing some beautiful buildings are you seeing flowers are you seeing trees how does the sky look what do the clouds look like too today is it foggy um and then what do you hear you know
again it's New York City it might be construction noises but again the goal is to bring yourself into the present moment if you're thinking too much about the future or thinking too much about the past that's
going to affect our ability to be present in the moment and be calm so the goal here is just to get yourself back into that present moment develop a mantra it's funny because when I was in
grad school somebody suggested that we develop a mantra to get us through and I rolled my eyes I thought that that was so corny um but I did it because it was part of my class and I had
to um and that Mantra I ended up using it every single day and it got me through school and now whenever I'm having a tough time I always develop a mantra um and the reason for that is you know I think that
whenever we're stressed out we're going to have some negative selft talk right if we're really frustrated because our kids aren't doing well we're going to have those self-doubt right we're going to think
I'm not a good mom I'm not a good dad if I were better maybe my kid would be doing better what could I have done differently and the truth is again we're all doing the best that we can on any
given day and we have to show ourselves a little bit of Grace um there's no onesze fits all for a mantra right um it has to be something that works for you
um and it has to really pertain to whatever it is that you're going through whether it's parenting whether maybe you're having health concerns in your family maybe you know someone's getting divorced or your kids are having a hard
time with school or they're being bullied um you want it to be as short and as simple as possible um it can be prayerful if you're religious um it can be General if you
just need help getting through the day um one that I like to use a lot when parents are getting divorced or separated is two homes one heart um I think it's really hard for
kids and it's really hard on the parents you know maybe the divorce or the separation is the right choice for the family and that's okay but I think there's a lot of guilt and shame sometimes when Parents
separate um so it's important again for us to forgive ourselves because we want our kids to forgive themselves and we want to model that um and this one I realize is a little more advanced um but you can find things like
this on YouTube some people love deep breathing I am one of those people um just deep breathing by itself I can sit and um clear my mind you know one
thing that I've learned a lot in my career and as a parent is no matter how chaotic things are we always have one minute um sometimes I will just go in the bathroom and set a timer so that I don't
have to be checking the clock and I close my eyes and I for a whole minute and I feel better for some people deep breathing doesn't take their mind off of a
situation by itself you should pair deep breathing with grounding techniques uh because again it is a a physiological reaction that your body has to deep breathing um so these other
you know meditation techniques are not going to be so effective without deep breathing but you can pair it with either a guided meditation um sometimes it's just envisioning your
favorite place maybe it's somewhere from your childhood or a trip you've been on or somewhere that you've always wanted to go and you're imagining it um you can pair deep breathing with a
prayer you compare deep breathing with a wish and a mantra telling yourself I will get through this um so you can really pair deep breathing with anything uh a really effective but again
somewhat more complicated way to prepare deep breathing is through these grounding techniques I do recommend looking on the internet there's infinite fre helpful ways of doing this
um but essentially what you want to do is you want to sit in your chair and I and it's kind of hard to demonstrate over uh Zoom but um similar to the mindfulness walks you just want to start
to be very very aware of your body how is your body sitting in the chair how are your feet touching the ground be aware of your head it should be floaty your shoulders should be
relaxed uh your palms should be facing up to channel openness uh and we can deep breathe like this pairing this with soothing music can be very helpful again it can be music of
choice it can be spiritual music or you know if you Google meditation music a million things come up um but when we learn how to do this for ourselves we can teach our kids to do it if we don't know how to do it and
they're in crisis and we say okay try your calming techniques it's not going to happen we need to show them that we know how to face adversity and calm our emotions and our anger and
our sadness that's the only way that they're going to learn how to do it too um and you know I I wanted to give a note on something called radical acceptance this is a component of
something called dialectical behavioral therapy um but it really helps everybody uh and the idea behind radical acceptance is that sometimes things happen
Tantrums happen right I'm dealing with that right now myself sometimes we get stuck in in traffic or if you take the subway you know another issue is the subway is always delayed right sometimes we're running late and
we're going to be late or we have to wait for a really long time in a doctor's office and some of these things are just outside of our control right I can't make if I could make this Subway Beyond
time I would be a billionaire um being on the subway and getting really really angry because it's stuck for the millionth time isn't going to make us get to where we need to be any
faster and it is frustrating right we all get frustrated it's terrible um but sitting there stewing in our anger isn't going to help um so when we radically accept things
it's our ability to have that internal dialogue and say to ourselves this is terrible I wish this weren't happening there's nothing I can do about it and when we recognize that is the
situation that is the time that we need to do a calming technique because at this point all we can do is is try to self Soo um and that's not true for every problem we have right there's a lot of
problems that have a solution um and we can strategize if our if we're hungry we can make a meal or help a family member make a meal if we have a lot of stuff coming up at work we can make a to-do list and
strategize about how to get everything done um so this is really for the things that we just cannot change right um our kids can't radically accept
they're not old enough you know some of you have children with ADHD or Autism or an intellectual disability or some other kind of extra additional challenge but
even neurotypical kids they can't radically accept so we have to model this for them if we're in a doctor's office and there's a really long wait and our kid
has autism they are probably going to get frustrated right it's frustrating um and they might even go into crisis they might start yelling they might start headbanging they can't they're not old
enough enough to have the capacity to have that internal dialogue where they say this is a real bummer I really hate that I have to wait for a long time but there's nothing that I can do about it
so I'm going to deep breathe to feel better they can't do that but we can and the way that they learn how to do this is by seeing us do it and so we can demonstrate to them out loud we can say
I know you're upset this is really frustrating we're all frustrated I wish I could change it but I can't so I'm going to deep breathe if you go and try that tomorrow is it going to magically change who your
child is and make them you know cope with stress better probably probably not but over time they're going to learn from us and we are going to feel better
because we are helping ourselves too so after a crisis and this again is for our children for our mothers for our fathers for our siblings and for ourselves it's really important to process uh
especially with a spouse uh or your children um so how do we process name emotions and how I might do this for myself is going to be different for how
I might do this with a young child especially one with some neurodevelopmental differences but we can talk about what was I feeling some kids they're only going to be able to
name three feelings happy sad mad and that's okay I've worked with a lot of kids who had pretty serious crisis and then they came to me later when they were feeling better and they said Miss Chelsea I was sad and
mad that's huge the fact that they can look back and recognize that they were upset is wonderful I do this for myself also you know if I get frustrated with someone or with my
daughter I look back and I think I was feeling really angry and then we want to think about why was I angry because I'm really tired and stressed out at
work um sometimes we're stressed about money sometimes we're stressed stressed about our relationships sometimes we we were just hungry um but it's important for us to think back about
why and it's important for our kids too what was making you so upset and again this conversation with a child is going to be very different they might not be able to tell you why and that's okay but
that you're having the conversation is teaching them to think about it in the future and then talk about the what what can happen next time next time I get frustrated as a
parent if it's because I was hungry maybe I should eat a bigger lunch if it's because I was tired you know I can't always just take a nap but I can try to go to bed earlier or at least just be aware that I'm tired and that's
going to make me more susceptible to being angry if I'm angry because of a situation is there something that I can do to change that sometimes yes sometimes no right we can change some things and some things we can't if it's
something that I can change I'm probably going to want to strategize what can I do differently if it's something that I can't change I'm going to practice radical
acceptance if we have a child and again they go into crisis because we're in the doctor and the wait is too long even if they're able to process right they're going to really need our help they're going to we're going to
need to help them say okay I was mad I was frustrated because I didn't want to have to wait I was bored the chairs weren't comfortable it was stuffy in the room what can happen next time that kind
of depends right on what helps your child and this particular situation but are there any additional tools that you can use to help making this weight less terrible um you know I'm someone who's
not a big fan of screen time but in a situation like this that's probably an appropriate use of screen time um can we bring sensory toys can we offer water and bring
snacks so we always want to try to process after a crisis um again whether it's for ourselves or for our families and that concludes my train um
thank you so much Chelsea this has been really really amazing um information so what I will do is jump straight over to our parents and uh family members that are in the chat so that we can take any questions that you have you can either put them in the chat or you can raise
your hand to be um recognized or just unmute I do have a question um while we wait to see if any other parents have questions oh wait Joan Snider uh you may have the floor you can unmute thank you I was just wondering my son is has autism add anxiety and he's
going into actually 12th grade do you have anything you would advise for older kids or is for all ages this is so this is for all ages I think you bring up a good point um that I I meant to touch on a little bit is
teenagers it doesn't matter if you have autism if you have ADHD if you have an intellectual disability or down syndrome teenagers are teenagers um teenagers are frustrating for adults a lot of the time and for
parents especially part of being a teenager is separating from your parents and really figuring out who you are as an individual and that's why we end up
fighting so much with teen majers uh because we say go left and they go right um that doesn't mean that they're not hearing you we might not see it right away but they are still absorbing
everything that they see you do and everything that we suggest it just takes time and if we say it in a way where we are respecting and I'm sure you do right um in a way that we are respecting their
autonomy while also trying to guide them you know because they're not adults yet they you know might need additional support forever I I don't know your son um but he's still becoming more independent
um so I would continue the course um tell him that you really want to work with him and partner him um but these techniques are going to be helpful for him too and you might suggest them and he's going to say I'm not doing that
I don't want to do that I'm going to do my own thing but if he sees you using these techniques then maybe when you're not there and you're not looking he might try it and will those slides be sent to us yeah than thank you so
much thank you Chelsea we have an additional question that came in do you have experience with nonverbal children and do you think there is anything different you might do to help them regulate that's a wonderful question I
do have experience with nonverbal children for nonverbal children every person is unique right so some kids who are nonverbal or limited verbal excuse me limited verbal skills
um they still understand what's being said to them and some people need a lot of support both understanding language and using language um but no matter what I would model by
demonstrating um kids who have less use of language need even more visual support so if we want them to deep breathe um I would actually it's hard to show again here but I
and I would really show them with exaggerated motions um for the five4 32 one game I might really focus on things that you can see and point um things that you can touch and
maybe touch things with them with their hands um the 54321 game you might not use if somebody is really in crisis uh but you can use it when you see that somebody is starting to amp up you know we want to catch it before it
really and you can't always but before it really Peaks over um for guided meditation you know you can really do the same thing I would and talk about in very simple simple language a happy memory that you
have together you know remember that time we went to the beach the sand was nice the beach was nice you know much more simple language but you can talk
about you want to get their mind into a happy space I don't see any other questions in the chat I do have one um when you talk about modeling and practicing and things of that nature um my son is one he has ADHD he has Oppositional Defiant
Disorder so there's a lot of different things um just even with that like I I found I have my own sensory issues that may be triggered by his so as we practice um do you have any how should we practice like just in the moment when
we catch it with ourselves or is it something that we should try daily with our children or when they're in that actual moment do it just like for them asking them to deep breathe in a crisis without practicing is probably not going to be
that effective it's probably not going to be that effective for us either so when we want to practice these skills ourselves and I think that everyone in the world would be better off if we Ed these skills uh we do we want to
practice every day um and I would pick the same time whether that's bedtime whether that's breakfast probably the morning we're trying to get out the door so I would really do it in the sometime in the
evening you can do it before dinner when you sit down for dinner or after dinner um but just one or two minutes you don't need to drag it out and just you know um but once we start practicing
it more the more we use it ourselves you know and and I say this because I teach these skills a lot and the more I teach them as a therapist and as a social worker the more I use them so I'm using these skills every single day myself and
it just it makes you feel calmer and it helps you tolerate all kinds of stress well thank you so much Chelsea I don't see any other questions in the chat but I do want to say that um on our YouTube CCD 75 Outreach we do have uh relaxing
music uh mantras guided meditations and things of that nature um if parents do feel that they need another level of support we do have a guided playlist there I want to check in now with our interpreters do we have any questions in
the Spanish Mandarin uh room no questions in Spanish we don't hear [Music] any Mand we don't have any questions okay thank you so much um I just want to let you guys know we will
also uh we we'll shoot this out with the PDF to everyone who has registered just in case some people were not um available to make it to the meeting um I will also put in sorry I think there's one last question that just yes do you
think entering puberty escalates this definitely when you enter puberty there's so much going on right I think we talked in the beginning about when you don't feel good and your body you're
not going to have such a good day uh when you enter puberty you aren't feeling good in your body for a couple of years um and that's also the beginning of the uh the storm uh of
adolescence so entering puberty absolutely is one of the most challenging times in all of our Lives um and especially for a kid with a who's neurod Divergent um that doesn't mean that you
won't get through it you know this too shall pass right I think a mantra for yourself will be helpful um but I think the beginning stage of entering puberty is a really good time to start teaching these skills and modeling these skills
um because that is when there's so much distress but like 12 13 year olds are still pretty reachable we do have one more question from Sylvia alamani um you can unmute and ask your question yes thank you how
can we support an adult who is um not being supported by other adults when their child is going through a a tough tough time yeah that's the hardest part right
I mean that's that's the hardest part of my job uh because I can't control I can't control anyone uh but but I can control myself and that's really when modeling comes into play and depending
on your relationship with the person that you have in mind mentoring and listening um just because somebody is not saying everything it doesn't mean that they don't really value the relationship that
they have with you or see you as an anchor um we don't always voice those things to people but that doesn't mean that they're not important an to us so I would say modeling and mentoring all right do we have any additional questions for Miss Shepard
Miss Lawrence you may unmute so my question has to do with okay I can mle all of these wonderful um advice that you're giving us and I'm going to do that but how do I
manage like the after the crisis uh negative critic that said you know or throw away those emotions about I should have been able to get my child before the crisis became
a volcano I should have um done X Y and Z how do I manage after the crisis to not have my own personal parent crisis I guess yeah I mean that's a really good question to and it it's not easy right
it's not if there were a way to make this easy then I would be out of a job and I would be glad to have that happen I think developing your own Mantra of self forgiveness right having
a child who's neurode Divergent is extremely difficult and there's no way to stop things from going wrong sometimes um that's par for the course there's going to be tough days and there's going to be tough days for
anyone who exists on this earth right I mean we all have tough days and as parents we can only do our best right um we have to forgive ourselves for being imperfect okay and I'll add with the
Forgiveness my uncle used to say if you're going to beat yourself up use a feather not a brick be be kind to yourself and give Grace to yourself because it is it is hard it is a challenge and that's why we're here to support you so that you know you have community and that you have a village
and you're not alone and you know we are all going through it too it's not just in your home I promise you we can all make things look you know beautiful and great but we are all at home going through something different and supporting our children so we got your back and if you ever need to talk to somebody you can always call cc75 or
email us and let us know how we can further stand in the Gap um to support you um with with whatever you may have going on um let me double check I think we have one more message Miss KY Deek yes hi good evening
everybody so my son is seven and he is autistic and he has tantrums and it could go for hours he does not understand if I tell him okay um going to get if I take away his device and I tell him okay you're
going to get it back in like three hours and I give him a time he would keep asking for it and he will go in a total spiral I try to explain things to him I try to let him go know that his time is about to be up
and it's going to be taken away for let's say about 34 hours but some days are okay he's okay with it but some days it's really bad he's running he's screaming he's throwing things he's
breaking stuff how can I get him to not get to that level and this is a this is a lot of the people that my program supports you know they have these really long uh we call them crises and sometimes it's
surrounding well you know especially with the kids it's often surrounding devices um there's no onesze fits-all answer to this question I and I don't know your son um but one of the strategies that we
usually would suggest um for families to start with is to have a schedule where he uses his device for the same exact time every day from this
time to this time and I know that you know living at home things come up and we can't do an exact schedule but just try your best and have it on the wall the schedule time um and
depending on his reading comprehension and where his strengths are you might have that be pictures um and you might have it be words right um my recommendation sometimes is
instead of just listing the time have a picture of your clock with those times to make it really really concrete and then give those 30 minute and 15 minute warnings um but when you have autis we
all need routine and love routine but when you have autism you really need routine and love routine um and so you know is he going to be different if you do this for seven days maybe not but over time it will de increase those
frustrations thank you go uh did you have a follow-up question okay if not I'll uh oh we see the uh Miss uh Keon I see that you um asked about questions about organizations that help withdrawing if you could email the council we
definitely can send those resources out to you d75 council at schools. nc.org I've also placed Miss Shepard's information in the um chat for anyone that may need to reach out to her for further assistance uh checking back
in with the interpretation lines do we have any questions in Spanish or Mandarin no questions in the Spanish line um no question from the Mandarin line um I'm sorry I have a quick question yes ma'am go ahead I mean that
we try not to let them get to that point a lot of times I might not be in the room and he escalates it might be you know like that due to a device or something and uh usually with his sibling and I'll hear it and I'll come running but he's already in the throws a
lot of times Well I you know I'll try to you know sometimes I put up my hands that calm down and I get hit or you know how do I so that he doesn't hurt himself because then he'll you know my he starts to engage in self- injurious behavior
and I I don't like to see that it hurts me to see him bang his head or he just you know with his hand really hard I don't know if you know he's doing damage how do I kind of deescalate that when it's that severe without hurting myself
or you know you know making sure because I've gotten hit a couple of time he's getting big now you know he's 18 um and it it can be dangerous and most people will flee um but I you know always show him you know love I'm here for you I'm here for you but I'm getting
older and I'm afraid that you know um you know it could be dangerous in a few years yeah yeah yeah I hear you again this is a lot of uh the situations that we see in my program you're right you can't always
prevent it right and I think that that's that radical acceptance piece that if you have a child with autism they're going to have these moments it's just part of autism so if it gets to that point what do we
do um again you know there's no one side spits all but my my generalized recommendation for people is to decrease the stimuli in the room so
that means don't talk much uh turn off the lights if there's any sound going on in the room room turn that down or off um sometimes you you from a safe distance because I don't want you to get
hurt and it you know that that's that's not safe uh but using a fan to cool him down um and sometimes you just have to get through it if it's really really severe you know sometimes talking to a
mental health counselor about a more individualized approach to how to help him might be beneficial okay thank you I'll also say um Mr monant you'll uh be Mont Montalvo excuse me I'm I'm
messing your name up we'll recognize you next I want to let the parents know um on our Outreach we have been recently having some workshops and Chelsea did uh give us a presentation about New York start um where you guys can watch that and understand what that program is that
helps behaviorally as well and I believe it's no age limit from top to bottom so you can be supported even the in the older ages as our children age yeah additionally we added um on let's see on the I can't remember the date because I
have too many things going on in my head but 988 and the NYPD co-response team did a workshop with us that is the link that I've placed into the chat and there are a lot of services that you can get and that you can get in touch with counselors and different resources and
have people come come into your home especially like if your child is hitting my son is 18 and he's done the same thing as well so I completely understand where you're coming from and maybe the fear of if I call or if he does something to somebody what happens and that's what really becomes important
where you learn your community officers and people so that they know your child because generally you're in your own neighborhood or your own area and so it's important for us to make these connections because they can help us out when we are in crisis because that's what they're to do to serve so if you
guys haven't watched the NYPD 988 co uh Response Team presentation that is available and on August 29th we will be having a mental health crisis planning workshop for those of us who do not have a plan when crisis happens so that you
can have something to support you in the middle of that uh Mr Lewis uh you now have the floor thank you very much and good evening everybody um I I'm just saying I'm grateful to uh to hear all this because I I a lot of what
Chelsea what you've um mentioned are things that um applying my to myself first and foremost because you're right um one of the better ways to show your kids is to actually do it yourself
um so yeah I'm just I you are untarget on on what you mentioned and I appreciate it uh I feel a little better um my I have two children in autism my younger one was in the moment of Crisis um and she popped me in the
nose in that moment I I understood why some some animals eat they young so and I I had to take a deep breath and tell her very strongly no and calm down because I didn't want
to make the situation worse um and it you know just deescalate from there the rest of the day I had a sinus headache but that's the worst of it you
know I I I come out of it with a sinus headache but it didn't make the situation worse and for me that's a victory that's that's a way forward and these are things that I I continue learning and doing myself and also being honest with with you know I have my older one he's uh he's you know he's
going to be 13 in October and he understand things a little more than my younger one does who just turned eight last week um and I tell him that sometimes I mess up and know I have to apologize I can't I'm not going to hide from what I've done I'm G to do my best
and not do it again and if I do it again I'm doing my best do it I mean you know keep doing it so you're right repetition and also another thing you mentioned Grace very important being kind to yourselves first and foremost and being
um uh not judgmental because uh you know if you're a decent parent and you snap it's not because you're a horrible person it's because you're you're you're a parent who's frustrated and sometimes we reach our
limits um and that's why I'm here I I like what's been helping me is reaching out to people who who know more than I do to help me through these things so again thanks very much for doing this this evening thank you we we're always so
glad to hear that other people in our village are feeling supported because I when we walk through the council it's like what do we need we're still parents you know as well so we're also working on a parent support group because we have a lot of our parents that feel isolated and that probably even trumps
and impacts everything even more when you're going through crisis when you feel like you're going through it alone and you have no Outlet so we're going to make sure that we are starting that in September so if you do want to continue these conversations and continue the support where you are with people
like-minded people who are going through the same things and a nonjudge judgment free you know space um please do sign up with our Council d75 council at schools.nyc.gov uh is there a list or suggestion of Mental Health Counselors who are trained
in helping parents of children and adults with developmental disabilities and other [Music] conditions if you email the council I can pull one together for you I don't mind doing that I know there's a lot of different spaces that are kind of separated out but if you email the
council I definitely um will pull up some counselors and um the different agencies that do help um with the children and also we have Chelsea here if if you can go through if you have waiver right Kelsey Chelsea you have to have the waiver to be able to go through yeah yeah you have to be waiver
enrolled okay so if you have waiver there's a several different uh resources that are available to you um I will definitely make sure to get that list um to you thank you for coming Lupe thank you guys for coming tonight uh the people that are leaving the chat uh checking in with interpretation one more
time do we have any questions from any parents no questions in the Spanish line thank you okay thank you do we have any follow-up questions from our parents that are here tonight in the chat or you can unmute if you do have a
question if not I want to say thank you guys for coming because you know time is limited so we want to thank you for being here tonight thank you for being able to stand and support with everyone else thank you Chelsea you are just a jewel and we appreciate the information and the knowledge that you give we will
make sure to send out the um the deck the PDF that she presented to everyone that is in attendance tonight if you do need any further F the support from the council as I stated before District 75 excuse me d75 council at schools.nyc.gov and our next council
meeting is at 6: pm on August 14th and you guys may register for that at CCD 75.org and we will be hopeful to see you there um so I will go ahead and release the interpreters at 7:14 p.m. and I will say thank you so much again Chelsea and
thank you to the parents and other people that are here tonight you guys have a safe night get some rest and try some of that relaxing if you can thank you so much everybody have a good night thank you you have a good night good night