neurodeiversity and mental health. Um, okay. So, as a little bit of an introduction for those of you, I know there are a couple on here who do not know me. Um, I'm the student assistance counselor at Pquanic Township High School. Um, I've been in the education
field for over 25 years. Um, I've been an English teacher, um, a school counselor, um, director of guidance, as well as a coordinator of a mental health program within, uh, the Hawthorne public schools. Um, I've had a private practice
for about 10 years in, uh, both Bergen and Pay County. Right now, I am in Hold on, let me put this, apologize. Let me put this in a place where I can admit guests. Hold on. Okay. Um I'm sorry, just trying to get
this um so I can see it appropriately. Um again, I've been in private practice for 10 years in Bergen Pay County. I'm now in Paya County and I am certified in um EMDR and I have advanced training in trauma. EMDR is a type of trauma
modality and neurodyiverse populations. and I'll tell you a little bit about how that is a special has become kind of a specialty of mine. Hold on. I'm trying to
my apologies. I'm just trying to do all of this. Okay. Okay. So, both my uh younger brother and I are neurodeiverse. My brother has ADHD and I have what is called sensory processing
sensitivity. Um, in the literature, it's also called being a highly sensitive person, which I could certainly give any information about that as well. In my practice, if not almost if not all of those clients who come to me with a with
primary feelings of depression, anxiety, those are usually the main reasons why somebody will come into therapy. At least with me, I would say almost if not all are neurode divergent when you start working with them. And what I have really found is that a lot of their
trauma and by trauma I mean not you know hit by a car kind of trauma but traum trauma like they got very overwhelmed. They really did not feel safe many times in their lives. A lot of it does come down to there being neurode divergent and I will talk about that. So
approximately 15 to 20% of the population is considered neurode divergent and I'll be talking a little bit about little bit more about what that means but they actually make up about 90% of those people who are in therapy. So smaller population but you
can see how much somebody who's neurode divergent can struggle and it is a very complex framework. It's, you know, I'm going to simplify it, but I don't want you to ever think it's a simple, it's a simple concept. So, I'm going to focus on two aspects of the neurodeiversity
and mental health that I experience most often, but you can apply all the neurodeiverse categories to what I'm saying. Okay? So, these are some of the things I'm going to be talking about. I'm going to be, you know, we're going to talk about
the goals. I want to talk about what we're going to learn here, how I'm going to set it up, and I took a lot of thought in how I was going to set this up. Um, we're going to talk about what neurodeiversity is, emotional regulation. We're going to talk about I'm going to talk a little bit about
evolution. I'm going to give examples of people who are highly sensitive. Not only because I'm highly sensitive and I know that world very well, but I found in our students, I found in my clients that that is a very big part um very big part
of this complex framework for them as as well as ADHD. And then I'm gonna talk about, you know, what you can do as parents, educators, caregivers, and really bring it all together with the connection to mental health.
So, first, let's talk about the goals. Hold on, I'm just going to admit. Okay. So, let's talk about some of the goals. What are you going to learn tonight? We are going to understand what
is meant by the term neurodeiversity. We're going to understand how emotional regulation works. And by me talking about this, I talk about this with my clients and my students all the time. This can apply to not just neurodeiversity, but it can apply to
just life. how emotional regula emotional regulation impacts your mental health and know how to apply this knowledge to all types of neurodeiversity. And when you leave tonight, I want you
to understand have a couple concrete ways to support the mental health of your neurodeiverse child or student. Okay? So before I get into it, again, I may sound simplistic in some of these things. And some of these things you may
be thinking of your child or your student and think you're right, you know, easy for her to say. I definitely know that a lot of these things are easier said than done. And I don't say this as an expert, as a parent myself of somebody, you know, she's in her early 20s now, but also working with
adolescence. There are times I have lost my cool. There are times I have done this wrong. There are times I'm thinking, "Oh my god, my daughter's totally going to take this into the therapy room later on. We are not perfect by any stretch. This is maybe just a guide of how to just think differently. So, please don't think I'm
coming from that area. Also, if you um have any questions, you are um hold on one second. I'm so sorry. Trying to multitask. Hold on. Ah, admit all.
Okay. Um, so sorry trying to multitask a little. Um, if I'm gonna stay after if you have any questions and also um you can reach me through Pquanic High School directly by email calling me um and I'm happy to
speak with you individually or um correspond with you or stay after in that way. So now we're going to talk about the how a little bit. How am I going to set this up for you tonight? So the basis of emotional wellness whether you're neurodeiverse or not neurotypical
neurodeiverse the basis of emotional wellness is nervous system regulation and then I'm going to kind of start with an explanation of that and then we're going to build from there. So what I'm going to start with is I'm going to talk about the understanding of neurobiology
and emotional regulation in short how your nervous system works. Then on top of that, I'm I'm trying to like layer it. So then I'm going to talk a little bit about evolution. How evolution paired with your neurobiology
puts the neurodeiverse individuals at higher risk for dysregulation and mental health issues. So basically just being neurode divergent already is going to make you vulnerable to certain mental health um conditions not necessarily
these big clinical diagnosis but certain mental health struggles. I'm going to talk about how the um evolution and the neurobiology really get linked what this actually looks like in real world like every day with a
neurodeiverse child. and then what you could do as a parent or an educator or caregiver to help your child thrive. So let's start with what is neurodeiversity. It is it describes a concept that it's
really a way of thinking of something. It doesn't change how people show up di diagnostically. It's just a way of really thinking of things. So it's the concept that there's no correct way for a brain to work. It's
embracing the differences in how people perceive and respond to the world. So it describes the idea that period people experience and interact with the world around them in very different ways. So again, not all brains are
working the same. Just like as we're in education, not one teaching method necessarily works the same or one counseling method works the same. Everybody works differently and processes differently. It's the concept that there is no right
way of thinking, learning and behaving that they these are just merely differences. Hold on. These are sorry these are differences and not deficits. And I think that's where the
problem lies sometimes is that being different makes you feel that you are less than. And neurodeiversity is meant to encompass everything as really a strength and not a less than. And again, it refers to the diversity of
all people, but it's most often used in the context of this. These can all be considered neurodeiversity. So when we think of it, we often think of ADHD, we think of autism, um things of that nature. But all of
these things can be considered neurodeiversity because based upon, let's just say, discalcula, which is, you know, a learning challenge. Your brain literally works differently. Trauma disorders, PTSD. If you suffer from PTSD, you're considered
neurodeiverse because there's a lot of research that it literally changes your brain pathways. Dyslexia, addictions, we know addictions change the brain. So any way a brain works differently and not neurotypical,
that is considered neurodeiversity. This movement, this word neurodeiversity really started emerging in the 1990s and it was aimed to create more acceptance and inclusion especially of the neurological minorities. And I'll
talk about why that's important. And so again, peoples whose brains function differently from the societal norm are considered neurodeivergent. those with who fall within the societal norm and you could probably make a case that we're all neurode divergent we all
work brains all work differently but if you are considered the minority in the norm it would be considered neurotypical so this is where I'm going to talk about emotional regulation and when I'm going over this I want you to think of yourselves a little bit um because I'll be honest with you when I learned about
this this graphic I'm going to bring up I literally have this graphic in my head all day long because I'm always checking to see where my regulation is. So, the other thing I want you to think about is everything comes back to safety. If I have a student who's having
a meltdown in my office, I always have to instead of getting caught up in what's wrong and who said what and this happened and that happened, I always go, okay, bring it down to safety. This person does not feel safe and they are disregulated and I want to understand why they don't feel safe. So sometimes
that helps me just pinpoint because everything goes back to safety and that's where evolution comes in as well. So this is called the window of tolerance. If you want to learn more about it, I mean I definitely have resources, but you could just Google window of tolerance and some form of
this will come up. And what this really is is the nervous system. If you look in the green area, that window of tolerance, it is like a window. It opens, it shuts. And when you are in your window, doesn't mean you're happy. Doesn't mean you're sad. It just means
you feel regulated. You can be curious. You could be creative. This is like you have enough sleep. You know, you have, you know, you've just eaten. You don't have anything to do. Maybe your nervous system is just very flexible. Things can roll off your back a little bit more.
What we have found is that people who are neurode divergent, especially I can speak to definitely high sensitivity, their windows are a little bit smaller, meaning that things bother them a little bit more. And when we teach coping skills, when we teach breathing, when we
teach, you know, meditation, really what we're teaching kids and adults is how to get your window as wide as it can be. Because the reason is is we use the word trigger all the time. I was triggered. That triggered me. The kids use the word
trigger constantly. Um, what a trigger is is something activates your nervous system. It turns it on. Now, our brains don't always understand why. Because our bodies will always turn on before our brains make sense of it. So, when one
gets triggered, one of two things can happen. You can pop up into hyperarousal, and that means your nervous system is on. And as you could see, there's that little disregulation area. That's the middle. When you're in the hyper arousal, that
means you're in fight or flight. That means, you know, I'm thinking of a kid. If you're a parent, your kid comes home hysterical, crying. They're throwing things. Even, you know, in school, you may see that they are in fight or flight. If they're throwing things or fighting, even verbally, that's fight
mode. flight is. We have kids who experience school um avoidance. That's flight mode. They were up here. This is where you may this is where somebody feels intense anger. They feel very overwhelmed. I can tell you the musicals going on this week. They're all in tech
week. I can tell you more kids in the hyper arousal zone or in the hypoarousal zone this week because their windows are so small because they are absolutely exhausted. So there are things that
affect our windows of tolerance. Okay, I can tell you right before spring break very few people, you know, staff included were in the window. Okay. So if you all of a sudden feel your heart racing, you can't relax. You are your
nervous system is in that hyper arousal zone. What happens is there are some people who just automatically go there just by how they were brought up, their temperament. Some people get triggered and they go down to the hypoarousal.
It's like your body shuts down because again it's it doesn't feel safe. So this is freeze mode. This is where, you know, kids will just have no energy. This is where you start doomcrolling for hours. Even though you're tired and you don't
want to be doing it, you're just zoned out. You have no energy, disconnected. Um, and a lot of times people will say, "I feel depressed." And I'm always curious about, is it depression or are is your nervous system overloaded and shut down? But what happens is, and we're going to talk about this a little
bit, when somebody isn't in their window a lot, the window gets smaller, any trigger is going to bring them up or down a lot more easily. So, excuse me. I just want to I'm so sorry. I'm just trying to
multitask. Um, okay. Um, and what happens too is that if you are in that hyperarousal zone for too long, it's meant to be very short term. You know, somebody's chasing you and trying to heart hurt you. You better get in
that hyperarousal zone to get out of danger, but you're meant to come back down to the window of tolerance. But some people are in constant hyperarousal. they are constantly in fight or flight in some way that what happens is they go from there and then
they shut down. This would be you work super hard all day and then you come home and you go right to bed. You just shut down and then you get up and you're on fast forward again then you shut down and so what happens is some people's nervous systems are up and down and up and down and up and down and a lot of
times it does mimic bipolar disorder. Um so that's always something you know to look out for. So is it anxiety or are you just overloaded and it get might have a symptom of anxiety but what happens is sometimes we pathize a
nervous system reaction. We'll say and then what happens is kids sometimes will say oh I have anxiety and then it becomes kind of like their identity when really it's just nervous system dysregulation. Um so I'm going to be referring back to
this um a number of times. So now to go thinking of the brain and again this is all going to apply to the neurodeiverse uh child is we all have and again this is very simplified um three parts of our brain it's called the
triune brain. So all the way on the left we have the brain stem. That's our survival brain. That is like what controls our heart rate. That's really where our instincts are. Okay. Um it is always making sure you are safe. It is the thing that's going to execute you
running, execute you fighting. Then you have the emotional brain. So like let's say if if all of a sudden a snake comes near you, the brain stem picks it up. Then the lyic system feels the emotion of it. And this is where the amygdala is. And
that is our memory center. And it's like a fire alarm. It's always scanning for danger. And people who are highly sensitive and who have been through trauma have a much more acute amydala. It picks up on everything. It's always
scanning for danger. And it's again, it's linked to memories. So that's why post-traumatic stress happens a lot of times and you get these flashbacks because your body gets a feeling and goes, "Oh my god, we've been here before." And then it activates, which is
fine. And just so you know, adolescents at this time, um, their amygdalas are biggest in the middle school age, which speaks to why they are more emotional at that time. Now, the preffrontal loes or the prefrontal cortex, this is the part
of the brain that we say doesn't like stop growing till your late 20s. And also, I'm going to talk about in a little bit, it's the part of the brain in ADHD many times that doesn't develop as fast as other parts of the brain. And
this is the part of the brain that makes sense of what's happening. This is the part of the brain that puts the brakes on impulses. This is the making sense part of the brain. So for example, if you go out into the street and a car whizzes by
you, you get startled, but then your brain comes and says, "Oh, that that was a car. I I just missed it. I'm not in danger." Okay. So what happens with trauma and I'm going to be talking about this with neurode divergence. What happens is especially when things happen
as kids the brain stem and the lyic system are working but the prefrontal lobe is so tiny it doesn't make sense of things. So kids being so egocentric they think everything is about them. What happens is something can happen. Hold on
one second. Sorry. Okay. So what starts to happen is like for I'll give an example like a a child let's just say parents are fighting a lot and you know they're bickering and
then they take it out on their child which you know I am sure I've done a million times and you say oh my god just pick up your toys and then you know the child of course doesn't like the sounds it gets overwhelmed in the emotional state and then let's say coincidentally the parents the next day say we're
getting a divorce we're gonna separate. Because a child's preffrontal cortex is so small, they can't go, "Oh, well, they've been fighting a lot, and I know they haven't been getting along, so yeah, they're better off splitting up." Let's just say a seven-year-old doesn't
have a prefrontal cortex that's fully formed, but they felt the fear in the emotion of the fighting and that they got in trouble for not picking up their toys. Because kids are so egocentric, they go, "Well, it must be my fault." And so we have kids sometimes who wind
up taking on responsibility and thinking things are their fault because their brains were too small to understand the enormity of what was happening. And that's going to come into play a little bit with neurodeiverse individuals. And
part of what we can do as parents and caregivers is kind of explaining things at an a in an age appropriate way. Because listen, we are all going to mess up as parents, as caregivers, all of that stuff. It's what the research has
shown. It's not the mess up. It's not the rupture. That's not what causes trauma in kids. What causes trauma is the inability to understand. And so oftentimes they create a negative thought about themselves to make sense of it. Because think about it, when you
don't understand something, your brain will try to make sense of it. And it would rather blame yourself than not have an answer. It has to go back into equilibrium. So explaining and connecting and communicating in a safe way is honestly
one of the best things we can do. So I'm going to go I will be referring back to this as well. So now let's talk about evolution. I'm going to add on to the next layer this before we talk about the neurode divergent child specifically. So again I want you to remember that
again that everything comes back to safety. If you take nothing else away from this it's like if your child if your student a colleague anybody is acting in a way and listen I don't believe in overreacting at all.
Kids, people do not overreact. If you are reacting strongly to something, it means it's hit a safety thing. There is somewhere in there where you don't feel safe. It may be overreacting to another person because that's not their button. That's not the thing that makes them
feel unsafe. So, if you react or you see somebody reacting bigger than the situation should be, like for example, they drop a notebook and all of a sudden they're having a meltdown. It's not overreacting to them. Their
body is responding to not feeling safe in some way. And safe doesn't mean somebody's going to hurt you. It may feel like emotional feeling unsafe emotionally rather. So again, everything comes back to safety.
Plus adding to that, we all need connection. 100% of us, we are wired for connection. This is where the evolution comes in. and we have to be seen or heard. Okay, those two things if a child
or any of us does not feel connected and does not say feel seen or heard, we are not going to feel safe in our nervous system. We're going to be out of our windows and that that brain that three-part brain is not going to be
working as it should. Okay. So why are these the requirements of mental wellness these three things? Well, let's talk about connection. Evolutionary survival. I always say, let's go back to the cave person. Humans
are social creatures who survive by belonging to a tribe. Being overlooked or invisible historically meant being left behind, which equal death. So if you go out by yourself to hunt, you're probably have a greater chance of dying. you go out in a group, you have a
greater chance of surviving. That is why not belonging, especially to kids feels like death. I can remember when I was a middle school counselor, lunchtime was the worst because we'd have all these people, this person, you know, said I couldn't sit with them at the lunch
table or we see it with the group text. This one kicked me out of the group text and stuff. And it sounds like silly high school or middle school or even elementary school stuff, but it isn't because it the body doesn't understand it's middle school. The body's so prehistoric. It's going, "Oh my god,
we're going out to hunt by ourselves now." And it feels unsafe, seen, and heard. When somebody sees and hears you, and when I say hears you, doesn't literally be like, "Oh, okay. I hear her voice." but like gets you like may not agree but here's what where
you're coming from. It signals that you're not in danger because again if somebody sees you out in the wild if somebody is like understanding what's happening you have a greater chance of survival. So this will help the brain shift from high cortisol like that high
red zone because cortisol and adrenaline get released in that zone. It takes you out of survival mode and it brings you into calm mode. So just and I can tell you this happens all the time. I see it every day. If you just validate
somebody's experience, you can see it go down. There have been many times where I've dealt with very upset parents and rightly so. These are your babies possibly being hurt or, you know, bullied or anything like that. If you can just a lot of times I'll say like
listen I get it you know you can validate see and hear somebody and not even agree. Okay. And then the last thing is the validation of existence. Being seen confirms that you exist. You are here and that your needs matter. So
think about it. When a baby cries and a caregiver responds the baby tends to calm down because they feel seen and heard. They're not being just left. That's evolution. And this is really important for mental health, especially
with neurode divergent children. So what happens if these needs aren't met? And think of yourself. Think of the kids you work with. What this and this is what I see constantly. And I have to tell you firsthand experience. I felt this myself
probably my entire life. Neuro a neurodeiverse child feels different. And that makes sense because they are in the minority. They're only 15 to 20% of the population. So think of a school only
15% of people really get them. Okay. Um so they feel different which is not does not we are not wired for that. Okay. To feel different. We sit there and we go oh yeah I want to be an individual and I want to be unique and all that stuff. No no no no. You know kids want to fit in.
We all want to fit in. I laugh. I have like the best department ever and I am a grown woman. I'm in my 50s and I hear my colleagues laughing, you know, out in the suite and they are like the most lovely humans. I think one is on right
now and they are the most inclusive people. But I'll be in the back in my little cave and I will feel a twinge of I'm left out. And then I'll let go in that's but that's my survival brain going I'm left out. Even though logically I know I would never be left
out, but that's kind of what it feels like. It's a visceral feeling. So what happens? A neurody diverse child can feel left out. They don't know why. And I can tell you if a child is neurodeiverse, they have a sense of it very young. They
kind of knew. I knew I was different. I couldn't tell you why, but I didn't feel like everybody else. But I didn't remember that prefrontal cortex. I couldn't make sense of it. I just knew I felt more. I cried more. And I didn't
understand why. That's the worst thing in the world is when it's like being lost. I don't know where I am. So again, kids feel neurodeiverse kids feel different. They don't know why because they don't have the cognitive capacity. And what happens is, and again, I don't
say this as judgment of any of them. I have done this probably to my daughter a million times. We often judge people who are neurodeiverse are often judged negatively by the behaviors they can't control. So think of and I'll go over
this in more detail. I used to cry all the time to the point I mean people had nicknames for me in my family because I all I did when I was happy when I was sad when I was frustrated I cried and it was like a joke and I couldn't understand why people would say well
stop crying and I couldn't and I didn't understand why so oftent time or a kid with ADHD you know just sit down just behave yourself and they can't control it and they don't know why. Okay. Oops. So again, they get things like,
"You're lazy. You're not trying. Stop overreacting." Okay. So then what happens is then the child doesn't feel connected to others. They feel different. Let's just say it's a child. And again, we do it. I used to
be a teacher. I do it all the time. I'd be like, "Okay, go, you know, oh, you can't sit still. Go take a breather and sit outside." Which makes sense. And we do these as accommodations and it's good to give people space, you know, but then sometimes it's like, okay, you already don't feel connected. And then
sometimes, you know, we disconnect them to try to regulate them and it doesn't always work. And this is where we all get frustrated. And a lot of times these kids don't feel connected to themselves. Why is my body not doing what everybody says my body should be doing or thinking
what everybody thinks I should be thinking? So then what happens is and all by the way a a seven-year-old an 8-year-old a 13-year-old isn't sitting there going I don't feel connected to others and I feel unsafe and helpless they are not doing this this is all happening on a
subconscious level so then what happens is day in and day out if people don't feel connected or they belong they feel unsafe they feel helpless I used to feel like well why can't I stop crying well people say get a tough skin why do I let things bother me you know I felt
helpless And then what happens is kids will develop and adults by the way will develop a cognitive belief because the brain needs to make sense of the world. So all this is happening why is this happening to me? Why am I different? Why don't I feel this way? So then instead
of being in that uncertainty the brain will come up with something which again kids being egocentric it will usually be something about them. They will make sense of it by going, "Well, something must be wrong with me then." If I can't stop crying, and everybody seems to think that's bad. I am defective.
Something is wrong with me. Or the one I hear so much in my therapy office is, "I don't feel like I'm enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough because I can't make it stop. I can't belong in any way."
So as a result, what happens is imagine a child gets supplied with like custom glasses, you know, when things, you know, there's a phrase in trauma work where that something fires together wires together. So if kids who feel
different kind of get whether directly or indirectly disconnected because of their differences, they and it happens early enough and more it starts to become who they are. And so imagine that a child gets supplied with custom
glasses and they see the world that's shaped by threat. And by threat meaning they don't feel connected. So they are looking through the world in a world of cortisol, stress hormone, adrenaline. This is why some kids who are neurodeiverse, they tend to be more on
edge a little bit more. They get defensive very easily. Um so imagine they see everything through this lens of you're picking on me. That happens all the time in a classroom. I used to have kids who would say, "You're always picking on me." And I'd be like, "I'm not picking on you. Like, you're the one
who's doing this in front of me, you know, and but they feel as though they're always being picked on." So that's where when kids perception doesn't seem right, it's usually because they're seeing it through a lens of stuff that's maybe happened to them.
So again, it is the equivalent of walking through the world, always being chased by a tiger. you're always kind of like on high alert for things and the younger it happens and this is kind of what I said the the stronger
and the more integrated into the psyche it gets. So then it feels like that's who they are. They don't feel like oh this happened and this is my response. They feel like well this is just who I am. I'm somebody who can't control themselves possibly. So again, it's living in a world where
they have a lot of adrenaline pumping through them, cortisol, endorphins, and dopamine. And that's a lot. And that's why a lot of them are very exhausted a lot of the time. So again, just to go back that a lot of
times neurodeiverse kids are in this high zone because of feeling disconnected and not belonging and disregulation as a result of it. So to give you some examples,
ADHD, it's a neurodedevelopmental disorder. That's what makes it neurode divergent is that the brain is actually wired and thinks differently. So ADHD affects brain development, structure, and function. The cortex, that thinking
part, is responsible for impulse control that peaks three years later than it does for a neurotypical brain. So think about it. If a neurotypical brain peaks at, let's just say, 8th grade, it's not
going to peak until maybe junior year for a high school student. So that's why sometimes kids with ADHD act developmentally younger. They're more impulsive. They act more childlike in certain ways because they don't have the brain capacity. It's not developed
enough yet. Okay? So, they're already feeling different from their peers. This la the labels that the child collects during those years, let's just say all their peers or majority of their peers are all at certain way and they're still being impulsive and doing certain things. Oftentimes, they're labeled the
bad one, the dramatic one. Oh, you don't try, you know, and a lot of times what happens is they these judgments come in before the brain could even make sense of it. So, it's almost like having like an open pot and you're just pour
not you as parents, but society is pouring in these judgments before they could even make sense of it. And by the time the brain develops, it's like it's already kind of in the body and they it's been kind of integrated a little bit.
um 70% of ADHD um people struggle with emotional dysregulation. And again, this could be it's just something to think about. Not that you know, somebody doesn't necessarily have ADHD. Like I said, it's neurodedevelopmental disorder, but some
of the symptoms you may see, some of the frustration, some of the outbursts, it may be from not feeling seen, heard, and misunderstood. It may be not a mental health diagnosis. Sometimes we see, oh, well, they have ADHD, they have generalized anxiety disorder, they have bipolar disorder, which could be true.
Listen, I'm not a psychiatrist by any stretch, but I almost always wonder how much of it is another diagnosis or is it just a reaction to how our nervous system is responding to being different,
high sensitivity. Again, I know this for myself, but I see this in students all the time. Um, and I'll go back to that in a sec. Never mind. Um, so high sensitivity known as sensory processing sensitivity is considered a neurode divergence because it involves a
biologically distinct nervous system. The the I can give you information about it. The research shows it's the equivalent of if the average person has a million nerve endings, a highly uh sensitive person may have 10 million nerve endings. So they're feeling, they're sensing, they're picking up subtleties.
um their brain just works very differently and they feel more intensely. Um it's a natural genetic variation. It's found in over a hundred species. They found fish that are highly sensitive. I have two cats. One is
neurotypical. I have one that is definitely highly sensitive, I could tell you. And they're they're twins or sisters. Um so it's in a hundred different species. It influences how people experience the world. often characterized by heightened
empathy, sensory overload, and a deeper processing. They think about things deeper. They might be like, "Oh my god, you're you're thinking about it too much." Okay. Um also, this trait can coexist with anxiety, trauma, and other things, but it's its own thing. Okay.
But people who are highly sensitive and neurodeiverse like that, because you have so many nerve endings and you're picking up so many things, you are more prone to anxiety. But again, not necessarily. I mean, it may turn into an anxiety disorder, but again, if you are always in the high zone, you're going to
feel a symptom of anxiety. So, here are the kinds of responses neurotypical people often hear in these two categories. And again, I'm using these two examples, but this can apply to dyslexia. It can apply to anybody's brain who works differently.
So high sensitivity um if somebody is affected very deeply and again this was a lot of my childhood not because anybody tried to make me feel badly but I was hurt all the time. I felt things so deeply. Oh my god I would see I remember my brother would
run around the house and he would fall and get hurt and I'd cry. He'd be he'd be popping up still going and I'd sit there and I'd cry. We'd lose him on the boardwalk down the shore. I'd cry. And I used to hear all the time, stop being so sensitive. Just stop being so sensitive.
Okay? And it's said because people don't know what to do with that. It's a lot. Um I got upset easily, but again, I see this in my clients. People saying, "Oh, you just need to get thick skin. You need to toughen up. You just need to toughen up." And also too, people who are highly sensitive need a lot of alone
time to decompress. And I see this with parents of teenagers a lot. um they'll say like, "Oh, they're they'll be afraid they're depressed. They want to just be in their rooms all the time." And part of that is typical adolescence. Part of it could be depression, but part of it is that some people who are highly not actually some
most people who are highly sensitive need alone time. And so people would always say, and I used to get this a lot, you know, what's wrong with you that you would rather be alone than with a group of people. Okay? And again, that it means well, but they come across as judgments to somebody who can't control
it. So now for ADHD, a lot of times kids will hear if they were impulsive, you hear, "Well, why didn't you just think? Why didn't why did you do that? Why didn't you just think?" Well, as we know, a lot of times their impulse control is delayed. Um, so they
literally can't think. Um, a lot of times, again, the hyperactivity type, um, you can't sit still in school. You might hear things, well, why can't you just control yourself? You know, and again, a kid may be trying to control themselves, but they just can't. Or if they have terrible executive
functioning, like organization and stuff, well, you just aren't trying. If you just use your planner, this would all be cured. Not necessarily. Okay. So, what ner So, when um being different
makes you feel disregulated, what happens is the body does what are called adaptations. It's what can we do? so we can feel better. And it's amazing what the body will do to feel better. But in the neurode divergent population, what you see is masking.
And what that is, it's consciously or unconsciously hiding symptoms to fit in. Okay? And I will tell you I and I have no research to back this, but I think this is a big reason why we see a lot of school avoidance. I think a lot of kids
have and they can't put words to it. having to go to school and masking all day long I think is exhausting in many ways. Um so school gets associated not that anybody's bullying them or anything but it gets it's connected with
exhaustion and over stimulation. So with high sensitivity for example you know it's pretending things don't bother them. You know somebody insults you and you want to cry and you're like oh it's fine it's fine you know but you really want to die inside. Um, I see this with
all the time kids using physical symptoms is saying that if they feel overwhelmed and people just don't get it. Well, what do you mean you're overwhelmed? Everybody's overwhelmed. They may say, "Oh, well, my stomach's hurting me." And then people go, "Oh, I get it now." So, a lot of times using
physical symptoms to express emotional needs is a way of masking. And we see this a lot in school. I've never seen so many kids who say, "I have migraines. I have stomach problems." And not to say that they don't because they probably do because of the mind body connection. But
a lot of it I think is, you know, people are going to get physical symptoms. They don't get the internal experience all the time. And people acting outgoing all the time. You know, oh yeah, I'll go here. This will be great. And they go there and they are like miserable. Okay?
They're holding it in. It's kind of like in like again if you have Tourette's syndrome, which is another neurode divergence, it's like holding in the ticks. And that's why sometimes parents will go, "Oh my god, the teachers say they're so great in school, but they're like a horror at home." And it's because oftentimes they're masking all day long
because they can be judged there. And home often time is a safe place where they can let it all out. In ADHD, we see masking with sit trying to sit still, but the brain is just racing. Trying to copy how others act socially. We see
this a lot in ADHD students. Um, sometimes they will act like their peers and it's not because they're trying to be bad like them or be good like them. They're trying to just fit in so they don't get noticed. Um, staying quiet,
holding it in instead of blurting things out if they can control that. Or we see with like executive functioning and stuff, they overprepare things to avoid mistakes. Okay. So sometimes when you see a kid who's a workaholic and a perfectionist,
a lot of times it isn't like, well, they're just a good student. If it's at the extreme, oftentimes they're masking something. So, okay, I'm going to go there. So, what is the cost of all of this kids, neurode divergent kids going through all of this? What happens is is sometimes
they're not diagnosed as having something um or they are misdiagnosed. We see a lot of kids who are diagnosed maybe with anxiety when an anxiety disorder when they don't have that or we see this a lot. Oh, they're oppositional, you know, they have ODD.
Again, not nec maybe they do, but not necessarily. What is a reaction to this and what is an actual disorder? Um, it may prevent the child from being authentically seen. This is when kids say, "Well, you don't get me or people don't get me." And it's just mentally
and exhausting. Okay, mentally exhausting. What you could also see is task paralysis. These are the kids who just can't even start their homework because they're almost paralyzed. Rejection sensitivity. They are so these are the kids who overreact by maybe a little bit
of a slight or somebody not looking at them the right way. They will have maybe more outbursts, more burnout, lethargy, and a lot more meltdowns possibly when you're masking all the time. And again, chronic people pleasing and
perfectionism. And I say that because sometimes what we do is they are trying to mask and they are trying to accommodate feeling not good enough for things like that. And what we do is we often celebrate it. You know, we go, "Oh my god, look how great you did that." And so then it kind of just reinforces
maybe a negative coping mechanism. And so no matter how your child or your student is acting, if you could almost remember whatever their behavior is, it's communicating something to you. And a lot of times it's an internal experience they can't articulate, but
behavior is communication. So um I'm going to actually skip over that. So what do you do? So again, I'm going to say this again. Everything comes back to safety. connection and being seen and heard
because being seen and heard, being connected create makes you feel safe. So, as parents, as educators, as friends, family, there are many things, but I'm going to just go over three basic strategies. And I use this with my
students, I use it with my clients, I use it with my daughter. The first is we're going to talk about self-regulation. that your self-regulation and your child's self-regulation has to come first cuz if you're not in that window and they're not in that window, it's not going to go
well. Attunement I'm going to talk about and curiosity. So the first thing is self-regulation. This is why I think therapy for parents and I'm not saying that just because I'm a therapist. I mean I've been a therapist probably my entire life. But I
think if we can't self-regulate as parents and as teachers and educators, we we can't do the other things. Okay? Um if I show up and I'm all over the place, I can't help a child regulate.
Okay? So, what as a parent, as a teacher, is to think about is notice your own triggers. What triggers you? There are certain students that trigger me big time. and I know who they are and I can almost feel it. I actually not almost I do feel it and then I always
that's where I get curious about it. But notice what your child can trigger you. Honestly, there's nobody who could probably trigger you better than your child. And I can promise you there's nobody that can try trigger your child more than you. Um so notice what triggers you. Just because you're child
does not mean you have to like them all the time. Okay? So notice your own triggers in life and with your child. um and create, you know, and if you can notice your own trigger and learn how to regulate, it creates safety and connection in your own body and then you
can kind of co-regulate. By co-regulating meaning like if your kid is having a meltdown and is at a level 10 and you're at a level 10, you're not regulating. That's kind of like if your kid is at a level 10 and you're at a level five, you can maybe bring them down. Okay? So, just knowing your own
regulation is important. So maybe ask questions. What about your child's behavior triggers you? How do you regulate? Do you know your patterns? Like I know there are certain kids that will trigger me. I know I have to
schedule them at different times during the day where I'm not like on fast forward maybe where I have to really like I'll do it like right after lunch when I'm like in a good place. I have to work before I see certain students because I just have personal triggers,
you know, from my own, you know, stuff. Um, and is your own lack of self-regulation contributing to your child's? And that's also something you could ask your child is what about me triggers you, you know, and what about, you know, how do they regulate if at
all? Okay, attunement. what attunement is, it's the ability to sense, understand, and respond to your child's emotional state. And this is, I would say, the big the best counseling
skill I have ever learned, and I don't think I learned it in school. Um, is it's being there with your child. It's like listening. It's getting them, you know, doesn't mean you have to enjoy what they're saying. You know, my daughter likes to love to talk to me at
11:30 at night when I'm half asleep, you know. So it it's hard sometimes, but it's kind of just, you know, sensing them, understanding them, but it does not mean agreeing with them. You can attune to your child and not agree with them. I'm going to go over a little bit.
So if you have to leave, I totally understand. I'll be I am recording this. Um or solving the problem. That's not excuse me. What attunement is attune you attune to your child not to make them happy. You attune to them to make them
regulate because if you're seen and heard and you're connecting, you're listening, it's going to be mean safety. It's going to mean regulation. So, it can sound like if your child is upset about something, you know, it s labeling the emotion. It sounds like
you're frustrated. And again, say this in a way that's natural to you. I'm like the queen of telling my daughter to say something and she goes, "Yeah, people don't talk like that, Mom." You know, it sounds like you're frustrated. like, "Oh my god, it sounds like you're you're totally fed up." Okay, it could be
validating feelings. Oh my god, I will do this all the time. And just say, you know, it's you know, it's okay to feel angry. I get why you feel angry. I understand that. It doesn't mean you have to agree with it, but you understand it.
Mirroring their body language. So if your child is upset laying on the bed, maybe standing over them may not feel very safe. So it's like you kind of want to mirror what their energy is and their body language and maybe slowing yourself down on purpose.
Empathizing, just saying, "Oh my god, that must have hurt." And this is hard. I can handle just about anything, but then when my daughter came home crying because somebody was mean to her, I could lose it. But I would just try to be like okay that must have like really really hurt
and then once you do that also curiosity we when we feel safe we can feel free to explore the world emotionally physically. So if we're in a space of threat our focus narrows. So if a kid feels calm being curious promotes the
calm. So through an evolutionary lens that makes sense. Um so basically when we are curious we're telling our nervous system you are safe. You can't be curious and running from a tiger at the same time. It's like a body hack. It's saying oh you are safe. So by saying I
wonder why your friend did that or I wonder why the teacher said that using the phrase I wonder. I use it all the time and it models for your child for that you're it models curiosity. And then if you can be curious about
yourself, that feels safe. I do that all the time. If I get upset about something, I had a student, it was amazing, came to me and said, "I didn't like how you handled something." And I said, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. You're right. I that must have been that must have been really confusing for you."
Afterwards, I said, "Okay, why did I react like that? I wonder what that was about it." That's curiosity about even why you do what you do. And by saying again phrases like I wonder why like do you think this is why it happened? It expands the window of
tolerance is which is what we want to do. And also too by saying and a lot of times as parents as teachers we want to just fix things. So and I try to say this to kids all the time. Are you looking for a solution or are you looking for me to just listen? And that
gives the child a voice which creates safety and I see you. I want to give you what you need. So now lastly the mental health connection. How is this all connected to mental health? So again neurodeiversity by nature makes somebody different. Our
nervous systems often translate being different as a threat. Due to the ways children adapt to be accepted in a neurotypical world such as masking. Sometimes the symptoms of masking mimic mental health disorders
and becoming um curious about a child's experience, it can potentially create safety and lessen those mental health systems that may become chronic. And then again remembering neurodeiversity is not a difference.
It's a difference not a defect. So the goal isn't to fix your child but to understand how they think. So maybe you can support them differently. Mental health and neurodeiversity often overlap because neurode divergent children may be more vulnerable to challenges like
anxiety and things like that. And often it's because they are misunderstood. They're on sensory overload or they have repeated frustration. They tend to be more prone to these mental health symptoms. Again, behavior is communication. And
what looks like defiance or laziness is often a signal of unmet needs. No kid wants to be rejected. Nobody wants to be rejected. So if they are doing something that is making them feel disconnected and rejected, that's communication.
So maybe instead of going from what's wrong to what's happening, what's going on can be very powerful. Um ner neurode divergent kids often have unique strengths. creativity, deep focus, pattern recognition, empathy. Helping them build confidence around the
strengths they do have improves that. My brother has ADHD. I obviously am highly sensitive. It was the best thing I ever did was go into counseling because it picks up on my strengths. I feel deeply. I I I get in the deep end. My brother
has hyperactivity form of ADHD. He is a police officer. He has such better mental health being a police officer because he's up, he's down, he's out, he's he has the alternate schedule. When we use our strengths, we feel safe
and regulation before expectation. Kids can't learn or behave when they're overwhelmed. So, if you can get them to regulate, then we can have these conversations. But regulation has to come before everything. And lastly,
connection over correction. A strong trusting relationship is more impactful than perfect parenting strategies. What I can promise you is that if you build your relationship, that's the best parent strategy you can do. If your
child or your student can feel understood and accepted, that's foundational right there. Thank you very much for your time. I am going to stay after if anybody has any questions, but you are more than welcome
to call me, email me with any questions and I'll be happy to talk about it on a more individual level for you. Um, and again, I will have the recording of it as well as a number of resources um, if you so. So, thank you so much.